ALL I'VE WANTED.

and all i've known

i wish i could write this with the same enthusiasm i usually have.

i grew up in the early 2010's so it's no surprise that youtube is very high on my list of things i'd like to pursue.
and i mean, understandably so. would it not be nice if i could just talk about the stuff i like and have people give me pats on the back for that?
i enjoy editing a fair bit, i struggle with writing but, when it gets going, it's very rewarding.

it's just that for a long time i've been finding myself more and more frustrated with this. maybe part of it is that for a second i seemed to find some sort of an audience there, maybe i hate being perceived on a wider scale, maybe it's the fact that in this game of polish and personalities, my "field" is already oh so, so oversaturated, maybe it's the inherent correlation in my brain between youtubers and being generally exploitative that makes it feel like dirty work, maybe it's because i feel like i've never found a way to accurately portray myself for who i truly am...
maybe i just don't like doing it? but that's a scary thought... this thing, that i've pursued in my head for as long as i can remember, that i FEEL like i enjoy doing...

but what else is there?

womp womp

...melancholy aside, i can at least say that i've done some cool things so far. though it's not breaking any records, i still find my webbed video to be without many errors and an enjoyable watch, even after a whole year since making it. not often does that happen.

and i say that despite the fact it didn't really do that well! but what it did do, is well in my heart.

this one, "a brief history of the greatest game of all time", while i feel in some parts isn't really all that funny to me anymore (and that still shot of a... tube? tf was
i thinking with that), is still one i put a lot of effort into. it's hard for me to not appreciate what i've accomplished for myself with it.

i guess the one positive thing i can definitely say is that there's a sizable amount of people that at the very least seem to somewhat enjoy what i make.