ALL I'VE WANTED.

and all i've known

i grew up in the early 2010's so it's no surprise that youtube is very high on my list of things i'd like to pursue.
understandably so, would it not be nice if i could just talk about the stuff i like and have people give me pats on the back for that? i enjoy editing a fair bit, i used to struggle with writing but, in recent times that's been a lot less of an issue.

why then, has it been so frustrating?

i've come to accept that i'll always be a little conflicted over this. the truth is: i hate youtube, and boy do i also hate youtubers. well, the stereotype at least. the very term - youtuber... eugh! "content creator"? BLEGH! it's like a yellow badge for the corrupted! there is a poignant sense of impurity i feel when even uttering the name; it's like, unless i try ridiculously hard to fight it, i'm going to be perceived as if i'm some sort of conman just by associating myself with this damn site. a lot of this is no doubt thanks to how apparent the rat race on youtube is made by those who participate in it - "algorithm" this! "algorithm" that! i don't really even care that much about what i make reaching too many people; sure, of course i want some to see it, but past a few thousand people there are obvious diminishing returns, and i don't see or WANT youtube to ever be more than a hobby. AND YET, it feels like i SHOULD to bend over for this big invisible robot, because... well, that's what everyone else does.

but in the end, in everything i derive from it, enjoyment is part of it... as much as it ebbs and flows. even if, in all of my cynicism, it feels like i'm just another fool making indistinct gray fodder for teenagers with ADHD to occupy themselves with while they eat their chicken nuggets, it's fun to speak my mind on lesser-known games
i really like or see as interesting in some way while trying to be a bit funny inbetween, then present it all in a relatively polished fashion; and if after all of that work i get SOMEBODY to play a game, even just ONE guy... then i feel a bit better about myself.

anyways

...internal conflicts aside, i can at least say that i've done some cool things so far.
though as time goes on i naturally tend to appreciate what has been done less and less, i think that what i've made so far is watchable, even if the further back you go the more the humor resembles that of the time's twitter teenager (which i was).

to list off some guys i like that i'd call inspirations:

• Nitro Rad is definitely my most direct. guy likes indie games and platformers,
  i like indie games and platformers, what more needs to be said? and though
  i don't much care for when he talks about survival horror games (not my cup of tea...), i nevertheless find his outlook on what makes a game special and ability to so vividly describe game mechanics while sounding so organic insanely fascinating.
• in recent times a favorite of mine has been Redlyne, whose more laidback and down-to-earth style has influenced me to strive to break away from the artifice of entertainment. god knows how many times i've heard some youtuber say that they "play an exaggerated version of themselves" - ad nauseam.
  while this is obviously just something they say in case they say something uncouth and get in trouble for it, it represents an attitude i bla bla bla i don't think i actually need to write an essay about this, you get the gist. i'm me guy not pretend guy, even if and when i say jokes. including when they're bad.
• this one's polish, so sorry for that, but Kacpir is another one of my favorites, i'd say he's inspired me to be a little more ambitious with my presentation.